i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
