I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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