Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
