Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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