he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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