The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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