1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
