This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
