Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
