fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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