I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you inspire me to be a worse person
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize