dude i'm inner monologue high
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
