So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
