I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
