Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
