Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
