I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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