She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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