this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize