Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
