I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
