You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I love how my cats smell like pot.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
