he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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