Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
