I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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