I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
