I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize