Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
