Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
