Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
