Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
