Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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