I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
