there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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