So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize