i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
