Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize