i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
