If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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