I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
