just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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