Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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