I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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