Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
