mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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