Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
