I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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