I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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