My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
