Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize