i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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