it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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