dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
