Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
