just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
