I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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