The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
