You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
