Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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