Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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