So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
