There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
