I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize