there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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