i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
