Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
