Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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