My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Terrible idea I love it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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